Marriage And Weight Issues
For most women, the extra weight and gain muscle mass on their self-esteem. Says Hillary Anders, 31, who's gained 35 pounds since her marriage five years ago, "I feel like my huge hips might as well be a flashing neon sign saying, Hi, I can take care of my kids, my husband, and my job, but I sure can't take enough care of myself that I fit into my clothes." Though they'd frame it more positively, the experts don't disagree with Hillary's theory.
Explains Anne Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D., director of the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute, "Women give and give and give all day long to others and may feel deprived. Then they confuse their hunger for nurturing with a hunger for Doritos.
What they really need is for someone to rub their backs, ask about their day, and give something back to them." Agrees Gina Johnson, 29, a telemarketer who's gained 38 pounds in seven years of marriage, "Sometimes when I'm doing all that eating after the kids are asleep and before my husband comes home, I think, this isn't the way its supposed to be. I'm supposed to have my guy here with me, telling me how much he loves me, keeping me on track. I secretly blame him and his job for the weight."
Let's not talk about it Ironic, but true: If the pounds are a cry for loving attention, which tends to be the last thing they earn a woman. The extra weight almost always mucks up communication between husband and wife. Typically, the trouble starts with that unanswerable question, "Honey, do you think I'm fat?" Admits Joanna Gould, 33, a marketing associate who has gained 32 pounds in her six years of marriage: I drag my husband kicking and screaming into conversations about how bad has my cellulite gotten. I think part of me believes that if he'd say, you know, your butt is getting huge. it would shock me into finally losing the weight. But he won't go there, though I keep baiting him. The expert spins on this? Joanna's married to a good guy. "Even if a woman doesn't believe what her partner is saying, she should appreciate that he's trying to spare her the pain his honesty might cause," says Dr. Franzoi. "A husband in this situation would be better advised to find ways to communicate to her those aspects of their relationship that are more important than her physical appearance." Not all guys are such princes. Some have no compunction about critiquing their wives bodies' right to their faces or in front of their friends. Perhaps even more insidious are the vague comments - the ones that could be cruel or kind and just cause major confusion. Listen to Veronica Stewart, a registered nurse and mom of three in Franklin Village, Michigan, who's gone from 127 to 180 pounds in 13 years of marriage: "I never know what to make of my husband's comments. He'll never say anything flat-out negative, but he'll see some hot babe on TV and say, you used to look that good. Maybe that's his idea of encouraging me, but it just feels like salt in a wound. Or we'll go out to dinner and he'll wave the waiter away at dessert time and say, just the check, please. Should I be happy that he's trying to help me lose weight, or go with my gut and feel wounded, as if he's trying to punish me somehow? I'm too scared to ask for the truth."
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