Moods And Weight Gain
Surprisingly, though, the thing that really drives husband's nuts is how their wives weight gain affects their day-to-day interaction. Typically, they say they could sooner live with the flab than with the mood swings that come along for the ride. Says Joanna Gould's husband, "If I could tell her what I'm really feeling, it would be I can live with the extra pounds, but I can't deal with her being so whacked out about calories, so down on her, and so hypersensitive to everything I say."
Does sex have to suffer? Of course, for some men, the extra weight does take their lust down a serious notch or two. Says Veronica Stewart, "I blame my weight gain for cooling off our sex life. His favorite position used to be with me on top, but about six months ago, he said, Honey, you're just too heavy, and I felt beyond crushed, you have no idea.
It's a terrible feeling to know you can't give your husband that kind of thrill anymore." Adds another wife, "I know all that stuff about men being hardwired for visual stimulation, and how it's a biological fact, but that can't take away the pain I felt finding some Victoria's Secret catalogs shoved into the drawer of my husband's bedside table. I feel like half a wife to him at this point."
Just as these wives are quick to come down hard on themselves, so too are women married to guys who are oblivious to their weight gain. Some wives also blame diets to gain weight. They're likely to find sex an uncomfortably loaded and vulnerable situation. Cindy Weston(*), 40, a weight-loss consultant who lost 25 pounds three years ago, describes what sex used to be like at her heaviest: Sometimes, when my husband would touch my stomach in bed, I'd assume he was doing it to antagonize me, so I'd reject him. A passionate moment could be spoiled in one second flat by his touching the 'wrong' part of my body. Naturally, you can't lose yourself in passion if you're worried about that extra roll of flesh at your waist-and neither can you focus on his pleasure, points out St. Louis clinical psychologist Helen Friedman, Ph.D. Is the issue extra pounds ... or something bigger? The question has got to be asked: How do you know when the weight thing is a sign of serious trouble-say, an affair or breakup in the offing? "When a couple attributes all its problems to weight gain, I know something's up," says Dr. Kolotkin. "It's never that simple. Ask yourself, if you were suddenly the same weight as when you first got married, what would really be different? Would your husband still work late? Would you still be angry about not having enough time together? Would your parenting or financial issues still be there?" The honest answer is probably yes. The only way to really tell whether weight gain is all that's wrong in a marriage is--no surprise--to lose the weight and see if the problems evaporate. Typically, if the husband's been picking on the wife, he then moves on to complaining about her hair color or something else. This issue isn't really weight at all; it's control. He just wants her to be what he says she should be. Or the wife can lose the weight and be pleasantly surprised.
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